Eat. Sleep. Wait. Repeat: How to break the cycle.

Waiting. It's really boring. It's also difficult. You start thinking, is it going to happen? Is there something I've missed? In other words you start worrying!

When you are waiting for something whether in the near or further future, there is usually one important thing you are not doing, which is… well, actually DOING something.
Waiting means being passive. And in most the instances in my life when I have been waiting for something I haven't yet fulfilled all the DOING - in other words I haven't attempted all actions I could possibly take to get to the thing I am waiting for. And in these instances, the waiting never ends, because without doing something I never get to where I want to be.

The outcome? Well, usually the idea gets stacked onto the mental shelf of things to do when I get round to it.
Which is ridiculous because I haven't even really tried everything I could to make it happen.
Okay - sometimes you do need a bit of space and to sit back and not be so hard on yourself.
But in other cases it's really important to identify what can be done, what needs to be done, and most importantly what needs to be let go as nothing you can do will have enough impact on the person or situation to actually change anything. In other words your attention and effort is better directed somewhere else.

Don't get me wrong - I love to help out people even if I don't directly benefit because I value spending time with different people and the unusual experiences and wonderful relationships this can inspire.

However I do believe that when there is more of a negative impact on your life, whether that be time loss, energy loss, health loss and even financial loss, and you're waiting for something that is never going to materialise, you need step back, evaluate and be honest with yourself. You may have put a lot of resources into something with the expectation of certain results. If you are able to recognise that the results or outcomes you expected are not forth coming, there will be several scenarios you can choose from to guide your response.

1. THE ARTFUL PROCRASTINATOR: You're waiting for something but maybe not actually making an effort. Get going!

2. THE CURATOR OF MISPLACED EFFORT: You're working at it but you don't have the right strategy - step back, evaluate and make a plan of ACTION. See who can help you or who you be accountable to. It can make a great difference in your attitude and active mind if you have a friend or colleague to cheer you on. Ignore those who don't get your idea - they will naysay and give you lots of reasons not to do what you want to do. Don't make their own excuses your excuses! Stay strong and find the advocates around you. They will be there when things don't quite go as planned to keep you going and they won't be 'saying I told you so!'. They will be helping you surmount the obstacles, re-evaluating your strategy or re-assessing the goals, even if it's just time spent over a cup of tea.

3. THE DESERT WITH NO OASIS: This is the main point of the post today - you need to see the situation as it really is. You have expectations that are unrealistic, because the fact is there is no light at the end of the tunnel. This does not mean your dream or idea won't be REALISED. It means that you are in the wrong place, relying on the wrong people and looking in the wrong places for the next step. You probably feel incredibly frustrated and have been waiting for a long time hoping that something will come up. Sound familiar?

So how can you turn your unrealistic expectations into a real journey towards your goals?

My expectation of my job has been for a longtime that I will be nurtured, grow and learn to excel in my field.  I will be invested in, taught by experienced colleagues, helped and supported through the tough times and praised or rewarded when the business is going well due to my efforts. I will contribute to the learning and progression of others and help them in their quest to fulfil their potential.
After all, I am in my job to learn, to progress, to evolve, to increase my value to the company and clients and to do a good job. These are the core values for my personal career contentment.

So how does this vision compare to reality?
My experiences so far do not really match up to my expectations.
I have been waiting, and waiting, and waiting…. and waiting! for there to be some sign that the office desert holds an oasis of potential just waiting to be found. The problem is - I don't have a map. I don't even know how big the desert is or which direction I should be going in. Or even.. if the longed for oasis actually even exists. Gasp!

In other words, what I expect from my job and career development is very different from what is actually available to me. I used a lot of excuses to myself to justify the waiting - when it's not so busy I will get that progress review. When this project is over we will have a team meeting to discuss the business strategy for the next 5 years. The list goes on. Endless excuses I made for other people to justify waiting for things to change and bring me closer to job satisfaction and career development.
So I continued to wait, to hope, to believe that eventually those hinted conversations or changes in the business structure would eventually materialise.

Of course nothing has changed - except, luckily, my recognition and acceptance of the situation.
So rather than 'WHEN will things start to happen?' and 'WHY is nothing changing?' the internal narrative changed to 'HOW can I make positive changes in my life to create the learning, the progression that I so strongly crave?'.

The answer is ACTION. In the past 6 months I have been trying a lot of new things.

Google Squared Digital Marketing
This self funded course took over my evenings and weekends for almost 7 months, but the rewards were beyond my expectations! Amazing people, projects and a great boost to my confidence. I was valued, treated with respect and able to learn from some brilliant people with many different types of experience.

Bikram Yoga 30 day Challenge - I found strength I never believed I had and gained amazing insight into myself as a person. You can read about the challenge here. At the time of writing I have 1 day of the challenge left.
One thing I never expected was the praise and encouragement from fellow Yogis. How grateful I am to all of them for supporting me.

Making a dress - Doing something almost completely new and creating a simple dress for a friend.
Although sewing machines are something I'm fairly familiar with, creating clothes from scratch is something I am not. Slowly getting to grips with this fabric engineering. It's like Lego or Ikea furniture for me, once I get into I just don't want to put it down until it is finished!

None of these things are directly related to my career progression, however they have been invaluable in helping me to re-engage with my time in a productive manner and know that when I put my mind to something I can create change, I can make a difference, I can inspire others and I am at the end of the day able act towards realising a goal.

So the next step? Stop waiting, start acting towards the what really matters:
to learn, to progress, to change, to grow.

How to change the world in 30 days

I have new found respect for my self and my own abilities and strengths.
I used to hate myself. That sounds strong - perhaps I should say I disliked the way I was and didn't have much respect for myself. I think respect requires love and acceptance which I didn't have towards my own being.
I also didn't believe I could think about myself in another way. I didn't want to hate myself -  but what was there to like? I didn't like my body, I saw myself as lazy, unproductive.. I could go on but I won't bore you with my own insecurities!
It's much easier to see the bad in others and yourself and to criticise faults than it is to see the good and love without prejudice or conditions.

I am surprised but grateful for attempting the 30 Day Bikram Yoga challenge.
I now know that I can get through a 90 minute class despite how I feel beforehand and I know that I can do that for 21 days in a row (my current count).
I know that I can find my sense of humour and that my body can do more than I give it credit for.

I know that the hard days come, but they pass and the good days come as well. I know that when the tough days come, my strength is there to carry me through, and when the good days are here I'm filling my reserves. Energy, love, gratitude, freedom, positivity - and much more throughout body and mind.
It's much harder to be worn down, stepped on, denigrated when there is simply no space in your being for these things.

Knowledge is information but Knowing is changing (yep it's stuck in my mind from the changing room!). It is an act - not something that happens passively. It is very hard to do Yoga passively. So it is very hard (in my personal experience) not to feel something physically or emotionally during a class. But rather than this being a scary thing (it may be at first) I've learned just to see what happens and let it be. There is the deep ocean that has peaks and troughs but is still just a deep, deep ocean.

I have read that doing the 30 day challenge brings great benefits to your health, changes in your practise.
I never imagined the changes would be so life encompassing and deep.

The depth is how even when I'm not in the studio, my mind and body are getting closer day by day. Mind checks breathing, aches and pains, alert and accepting. Body is more forthcoming with needs. I need sleep. I need nourishment. I need you to quit your speed-of-light worrying 24/7 and just BE. (This thought arises very often but not in a negative way - it's more nurturing and accepting.)

So I think I have remembered or relearnt how to nurture and love myself, and that putting myself first in this way is not selfish or weak, but the best choice I have made in recent memory.

If I can make this one choice, build this new habit which has had so many positive influences and outcomes even after only 21 days, I can surely believe that further change isn't just possible but indeed inevitable.

Don't fight the old, build the new.

Shifting your priorities

I've often wished I could be more productive with my time. Focus on what's important, prioritise my tasks and direct my efforts to the most important ones to get them done.

So I would make a list. (If you check my desk, my computer, my phone, there are a lot of lists.) I would sit there and list out all the things I wanted to do that day in the order I was going to do them. Then I would half arsed start the first one but distract myself without really getting into the flow of it.

It might be to have breakfast or lunch, smoke a cigarette (thank fully I've kicked this habit!), just have a break or doing some other menial task. Perhaps I would think.. 'right,, just 15 minutes of TV and then I'll get onto the list', which turned into 3 hours and a complete loss of motivation and the realisation I have somewhere I need to be in a hour so oh! better get ready then..
(FYI I don't have a TV but I do have internet and a really great website for watching Korean dramas.)

So I'm still more or less in this habit of making lists and never actioning them. It's a slightly different process at work, obviously I'm getting paid to accomplish tasks and do them well so I can afford to rent a room and be able to not accomplish anything while being in it.

But still.. I haven't been happy with this state of affairs for a long time. Let's call it 25 years as I remember this feeling sitting in reception class and having a story to write and keep thinking, okay I'm not ready today I will pretend to work and start it tomorrow because THEN I WILL BE READY.

Well, 25 years is a hell of a long time to have a habit that I don't like and not do anything about it.
I kept thinking one day I will change, one day I will be able to set a task and just do it! One day I will grow out of this! The thing about growing is you have to make an effort. You need to act and not just wait for it to happen to you.

What has changed in the last few months? I'm accepting I'm never going to be ready, I'm never going to have the quiet peaceful space in my mind with all my focus on the task at hand. I'm not going to be in the moment all the time, enjoying from the core of my being to the tips of my fingers and toes the fact that I am re-writing my CV for the 300th time. (Insert alternative soul destroying tasks here).

What I need to do is SET MY INTENTION, when my focus wanders RECOGNISE this and bring myself back into the PRESENT MOMENT. When the noise in my head is so loud I can't hear myself think for all the thoughts buzzing around.. recognise that and seek the thread of my intention again.

Part of the problem for me was not recognising what the problem actually is - being distracted by all the noise in my head, which I'm so accustomed to I actually don't hear it*, and REACTING to it rather than acknowledging it and moving on.

*Mental noise is a lot like the roar on an airplane which you can't stand for the first few minutes then you get totally surprised by the silence one the plane has landed and is slowing taxying to the gate.

Acknowledging a thought gives you the power to do something with it. To tell it to eff off basically. To tell it, 'not now Norman!' Yes you could name them if you like but keeping track may be hard.

So, I guess this post could really be titled 'setting your intentions'.

What do you intend to do today?

I intend to focus on the task at hand - and hopefully see it to completion without distractions.
The intention is not the goal of the task as such, but developing my focus and remaining consistent in my efforts for the period I've dedicated to the task.

It's no longer about the list and getting through it. It's about putting aside the noise, the excuses, he reasons not to start and to get on with it!

Starting is half the job done. 시작이 반이다. My favourite (and currently the only) Korean quote I know.

A great post here if you are curious about the meaning of setting your intentions and how this differs from your goals. Something that has much wider implications than a yoga class, so don't let that put you off!

http://www.theyogagetaway.com/a-guide-to-setting-your-intention-in-yoga-class/

#Dressgate - did you pass the test?

As humans, we all see the same world in a different way, but I was reminded today that we are mostly not willing to accept the fact that others have a different perception.

I thought it was intriguing that different people can see different colours when looking at the same image. What suprised and scared me was peoples reactions when they realised they were not seeing the same thing.

Even a simple thing, colour, breaks us into different factions who rather than saying 'That's cool, your brain is using a different filter than mine', says things like 'Are you mad? Whats wrong with you? There is NO WAY that dress is...'

How sad. Was no one else excited by the fact that we could 'see' different colours? I thought it was amazing and intriguing and nobody was wrong, but everyone was different.

So the factions started in our office when I got the #dressgate picture up on my phone screen. Golds and whites furious in one corner, black and blues stubborn as hell in the other. What I thought was a awesome (and at that point unexplained phenomenom) had within less than a minute divided the quite office into a frenzied factioned war zone.

If we can't accept a persons colour perception differs from our own, how will we accept their perceptions of all the other facets that make up our lives?
Looking around..  one of the basic skills we as a human race don't rate highly on.

There are some the big things of course: Religion, Politics, National and Cultural Identity, the smallest difference in interpretation of which is usually more that enough for people to start making factions and divisions.

Then there are the day to day things in family groups, friendship circles, at work and in departments. Do you draw a line when someone doesn't agree over the same thing. Do you put label on them (stubborn, ignorant, old fashioned) or decide not to raise the subject again because they won't agree with your perception?
I realised I'm guilty of this on a daily basis.
If I find it hard to accept people as they are and the differences in how they perceive a project, it becomes impossible or very difficult to work together in a productive way to meet our goals, or even set those goals in the first place.

The dress didn't break the internet, it highlighted something on a basic level that extends to every decision we make to set ourselves apart from other human beings. The excuses we use to deny the rights and beliefs of other human beings, the reasons we use to justify labels and judgements placed upon each other.

YES! People see colours differently, because their brains use different filters to build a report of the incoming data. Once the data is processed, it's almost impossible to change the data back to it's raw format and reprocess with a different filter. A bit like Google Analytics, where in fact once you've processed your data it IS impossible to get the raw unprocessed data back.
Hence why so few people have seen both gold and white, and later blue and black or visa versa.
If you have, you may have been even more worried by this whole affair.
DON'T PANIC. Your brain is just trying out a different perspective!

Whether the image of the dress appears to be white and gold, blue and black or something inbetween.. it doesn't really matter. The point is, we each interpret what we see in the world differently and we can use this to divide ourselves between 'us' and 'them' or use this as an important lesson in accepting our diversity.

What did you take from #dressgate?
Is there a right and a wrong way to see the image? Is your life forever factioned? Or is it a curious reminder that our brains work way harder to interpret light and colour than we ever realised?

Please share your comments below.

NewScientist has a simple explanation of how your brain filters the colours here and the Telegraph also provides insight here

Listening is powerful

So I said to my pancreas,

"We are going to do something really awesome today, you and me. I know I haven't paid attention to you or listened well, but I didn't know your language back then. I wasn't listening to any of you, didn't make time to acknowledge your hard work or pay attention to your needs.
I was really selfish, and I only thought about my Mind. I only paid attention to the thoughts and worries that did nothing for me except provide distraction from all the other thoughts and worries.

I'm sorry.

I know I haven't been there for you, but if you let me show you.. see? I'm slowly changing. I'm learning how to love you, nourish and protect you.

Not just you, all of you. Do you see?

I'm not gonna ask you to give me everything straight away. But little by little, let's work together. Not just you and me. But all of us.

You dont need a huge amount of energy to accomplish a small task.

Focus on a little task that takes a little time.

Before you know it you'll see how far we've come.

I will listen to you, I will give you what you need. Don't give up and if I don't quite hear you, gently, keep trying. I don't speak your language yet, but I really like languages and I will learn."

So we did 90 minutes of Yoga.
And by the end of the session, my stomach had stopped hurting. The aching, radiating pain had released it's claws. I know my pancreas is still hurting, still healing, but it's not shouting at me anymore.

I stopped listening to all the nagging, worrying thoughts raging through my mind for most of those 90 minutes, and focused every part of my mind that I could on how my body and breath were working together. And I said "See? We CAN be a team!"

Now I just have to have a really awkward converstation with my bowels and their lack of movement for the last few days...

Let's save that for tomorrow morning.

Faith

What is faith?

To answer this question I had to ask myself, what is a lack of faith?

Doubt.

Thoughts like 'I will never be good enough. I can't do this. I don't know how to do this.'

I've never been able to have faith in God.
Not the type of faith that I imagines burns so brightly and fiercely it's undeniable.

But then, Believing in something is not the same as faith.

Faith is trying despite the odds stacked against you. Despite what others say. Despite you are no where near the goal or don't know what the solution is yet.

Perseverance. Loyalty. Open heart and open mind.

I always wondered what faith was and how it felt. What kind of warmth would seep into my body, a holy spirit, a giddiness perhaps?

It's more a combination of action and acceptance.

This is what I can do right now today. The worst is not going to happen. I wont doubt my abilities and will inprove them as needed. If I need I will grow, adapt. My motivations to do this thing does not come from a place of selfishness, greed or guilt.

It comes from a place of love (of myself and others), acceptance (of reality as it is - no ifs or buts or maybes) and peace (no anger, guilt or jealousy).

That is faith.

Knowing something is worth doing, being, living, because you believe in it.

This is how I will live everyday from this day forward.

Erase all doubts, and you are left with Faith.

Digital Bounce

What an intetesting time we live in - the age of digital.
I remember a time before mobile phones and when the internet was something to literally kill time in my lunch break as I would be lucky if I could load 3 pages before the bell called me back to class.
I never studied IT in highschool because I didn't really see the value and I was happy with my level of proficiency. This was at a point when we still submitted hand written essays and the peak of IT competency was knowing how not to catch the attention of the animated paper clip (in my 14 year old opinion).

How much has changed! My smartphone has recently become my main portal to the world, and I've had the wonderful opportunity to really engage with and understand our digital age thanks to the Google Squared course which I will complete around early May 2015.

I've began to develop a sense of my digital self - and also gained confidence to share thoughts, events and great ideas (not my own) through platforms like facebook, twitter and this blog.

For a long time I was a quiet observer, inspired and excited by what I saw others doing, achieving and sharing. However I didn't have the confidence to put myself out there. What could I offer? Why would people, even people I knew well, be interested in what I had to say?

I hadn't posted to Facebook in a long time, (apart from random K Pop which is of little interest to most in my social sphere. I found posting images especially labourious, such a hassle to download from my camera, then export, then reupload. Recently, I discovered I could upload pictures to facebook straight from iPhoto. Had it really been that long since I last posted an image from my Mac?

And the response was beautiful. It was so long since I had seen that many comments. It was personal, people cared and shared their thoughts and good wishes. The event I posted was a friends wedding.

Had I really been unengaged for so long? There are so many events from the last few years that I've not really shared and just moved on from. Just downloaded to my mac and left to the past.

I've found that social networks and media has moved on without me in the years I've mentally been offline, wondering what all the fuss is about. I've neglected the meaning and joy that other people, friends and family, find in our shared experiences.

So one of my New Years Resolutions is to be more social, online and offline.

Here's a lovely thought to start your day.

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared".
Gautama Siddharta, founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.)